Mother of an Incarcerated Son - THE TEARS I CRY

I received a letter from my son (11/30/2011) and as I read this letter repeatedly attempting to wrap my mind around all the things he has said my thoughts constantly wonder. I have to say it was not the best of letters. I closed my eyes and drifted back, thinking of that little boy I held in my arms so many years ago. The mother in me wants to run to MAYO, break in and bust him out! **DON'T JUDGE ME** I think a lot of it is the fact that he began his run with the law at an early age so in my mind, he is still my little boy. He didn't grow up enjoying adolescent life as he should have but instead under the watchful eye of the criminal JUST-US system. Everyone, including him, continuously tells me he is not a "child" anymore but a grown man and I agree...to an EXTENT! Can you really say someone is "grown" as a result of their age? Wouldn't it be correct to say 'he is of an adult age' instead? He could not possibly be grown because the process we go through to reach said "grown" level was stripped away from him, by his own doings. When he is released in 2014, he will have spent 8 years (between the 2 sentences and other run ins) in jail/prison, 8 years away from family, from his daughters. This self inflicted subjectivity to the inability of free living and experiences that define what truly being an adult or "grown" has passed him by. He must begin again upon his release.

Yes I can agree being away from home, regardless of the environment, will cause you to grow up but what I won't agree to is prison life falling under that umbrella. That environment does not teach self sufficiency and when he gets out he will be subjected to even more scrutiny as he attempts to become a productive member of society. Time served is never truly time served...inmates will live with this forever, even those who have been fortunate enough to turn their lives around. If I were to leave Florida right now my son would have NO WHERE to call home when he is released. Is that my problem? A lot of people will say no but I beg to differ. What parent in their right mind would leave their child, a convicted felon, to fend for himself knowing full well the odds are totally stacked against him? *sigh*

On top of all the things in his letter, he mentioned he recently received a DR (disciplinary report) for an act he says he didn't do. (of course you didn't son! .\_/.) DR's effect his ability to accrue gain time like he should and set him back a bit but I guess this is the life of a prisoner, you either follow their rules or you suffer the consequences. It is hard for me to understand why anyone wouldn't act right under those conditions but then again this is coming from the mind of someone who has never served time and can't fathom the thought of spending any time behind bars.

As I read this letter, crying I can't help but wonder at what point does his negative attitude towards all things not effect me? At what point do I read his letters and tell myself he choose this life and then keep it moving? There has to come a point when the things our children do and say be left to them for accountability and as much as it may hurt we have to step aside. THAT seems to be my problem...stepping aside. Don't get me wrong, sometimes he has the BEST letters in the world and I am left in awe after reading them because I don't know if I could be that up beat or optimistic under those conditions but I know how and why...GOD!! My Father is with him, watching over him and keeping him as sane as possible under the circumstances. I know this is just a temporary "fall" but its SO hard to remove myself from the pain he is feeling thus causing the tears I cry...

As I encourage myself in the Lord, I also encourage you son! GOD loves you and so do I Dante' M. Vann and HE wants NOTHING more than for you, for US, to come home!