25 days down ... was I expecting too much?

It seems, in the time since my son has been home, we've grown further apart than closer as I had prayed for while he was away.  When he was incarcerated our bond and words were on point, we weren't always on one accord on things but for the most part it was still a harmonious relationship. Now the harmony and melody both seem to be gone.

I've gone back and read some of my FB posts since the release, they aren't as positive and uplifting as they use to be. I don't feel positive and uplifting anymore to be honest. I don't blame my son but fully blame myself because I seem to be losing me and that's not good. I control my emotions and how I respond to things but here lately I've allowed myself to be drawn in to some really negative places.

I can't control anything my son does, he is an adult and that's hard for me to grasp. He started getting in trouble at a young age so a lot of what I feel should've been done with us wasn't thus in the past is where I seem to be living. I had changed my lifestyle to live happier, be happier but now it seems my motivation has slipped away and how I invisioned things to be is slipping away also.

I've got to get back to me but its hard, VERY hard. He feels I don't understand him and that I'm judgemental and to a degree he is right. I don't know all he has been thru while incarcerated and I am sure that can truly have an effect on his reentry into the real world. Its really become quite difficult for us. I just don't know what to do because most convos turn to arguments and then complete silence between the 2 of us. I am a communicator but with him it seems almost impossible so I am not liking this at all.

This is my first update, 25 days down ... lets see what the next 25 days bring. Hopefully I can get him to write something, I'm sure he has a lot on his mind. Praying for better days for both of us and ask that you all continue to pray for us.

Dante's Homecoming - Rebirth

So today was the day. My alarm went off at 6 a.m. and I've been going ever since. We arrived at 7:55 at which time I walked his box of clothing to the guard booth.Dante has been gone since September 2009 ... a long time! 

For about a hour and a half mama #2 Lisa, Dante's brother from another father and mother, Charles and I waited patiently as visitors arrived for visitation and other inmates were released. That was truly the longest 90 minutes ever! Dante had no idea his brother was with us so we knew it was going to be an awesome homecoming. I told Charles when we see him to hide, I wanted to see my son overwhelmed with happiness on his first day home.

Dante requested an all white outfit so I knew what to be looking for. As Lisa and I stood on the sidewalk talking and waiting we spot the all white outfit and Charles immediately took cover. There were screams, tears and hugs between Lisa, Dante and I when he reached the covered shelter area at which point I reminded him of the surprise.

I pointed around the corner and the joy on his face when he saw Charles brought on more tears. He looked at me and said "Mom you did that!" There was an internal smile as big as the external smile as I watched the brothers exchange family love. I hated we couldn't catch it on video. We were all made to put our cell phones back in the vehicle.

The feeling of having my son leave the prison with me truly reminded me of birth. After years (hours of labor) awaiting his arrival (delivery) he was finally birthed from the belly of the judicial beast! June 1ST my baby boy was reborn and I promise you it was like leaving Portsmouth General back in April 1989 with my first born.

His first day home he wanted IHOP so that's where we headed, his first meal as a free man. He enjoyed the comforts of home with friends, family, a glass of Remy and his daughters. They were so happy to see their daddy at home and the sounds of Daddy Daddy Daddy was so joyful. I think he's going to do a great job as a father.

I am so grateful for the people GOD strategically placed in my life, especially those who've turned out to be more than a reason or season but instead a lifetime. Thank you Lisa and Charles for sharing in such an AWESOME event, all that was missing was my baby girl.

Continue to pray with and for us as the REAL test is about to begin but I dare not fear. I can do ALL things through Christ that strengthens me.

Dante' just called ...

As I go through these labor pains (13 hours in now) slaving to get that bedroom and bathroom cleaned as well as put the t.v. stand together my phone rings. The voice on the other end brought tears to my eyes and so much joy to my heart. In his sweet, quick talking voice he says  "hey mama, everything good for tomorrow? " The convo was brief but long enough for me to get in my mama feelings all over again.

I told him he had a surprise coming with us in the morning but did not say who or what it was. His brother Charles is coming and that's going to make him happy.

We ended the conversation with the usual I love you's and in a flash he was gone ... until tomorrow.  Tomorrow is going to be great.

Hour 10.5 of labor ...

This labor began at 6:00 a.m. this morning and I have 16 hours more before this is over and my 1st born emerges once again. My head is throbbing, my back is killing me, my eyes won't stop leaking, I've REFUSED pain medication AND I CAN'T STOP, WON'T STOP PRAYING!

I didn't think it would be this tough ... my GOD. I am emotionally EVERY WHERE and mentally drained! I thought his incarceration was the worse thing ever but here I am in a pool of emotions about his home coming.

My apologies y'all, you won't have to endure this too much longer. Thanks for hanging in there with me. BIRTH IS IMMINENT AND AWAITS AT 8 A.M.

#1dayandawakeup #incarceratedpregnancy #laboranddelivery #ComeonHomeSon 

I finally cried ...

Breakfast and conversation with a very close friend has brought on the tears and they have yet to stop. I had not cried at all so they were much needed. I could not pin point exactly why I was feeling so anxious and overwhelmed here lately. I mean, after all, my son is coming home (as if that wasn't a big enough of a deal)!

What he reiterated to me, which I had already said to myself, that there is no 'JUST' or 'Now all he has to do is ...' in this situation because there is no such thing. Right here, right NOW is where the real work begins and it's going to be MUCH greater than the JUST and ALL HE HAS TO DO NOW IS.

What if Dante can't handle the stress of being a newly released felon and reverts as a result? What if someone from his days of old tries to hurt him? What if ... what if ... what if ... I could go on but all it'll do is drive me insane.

These questions and many others have been running through my mind the past few weeks. They are what I need to pray over, without ceasing, because they are totally out of my control although I so want to and feel the need to have some kind if not ALL control.

It's almost over yet its really just beginning. This storm ends but Dante and I will shop for hurricane supplies tomorrow, the real STORM now approaches.

I can't believe I'm just finally crying.

Mother of an Incarcerated Son - THE TEARS I CRY

I received a letter from my son (11/30/2011) and as I read this letter repeatedly attempting to wrap my mind around all the things he has said my thoughts constantly wonder. I have to say it was not the best of letters. I closed my eyes and drifted back, thinking of that little boy I held in my arms so many years ago. The mother in me wants to run to MAYO, break in and bust him out! **DON'T JUDGE ME** I think a lot of it is the fact that he began his run with the law at an early age so in my mind, he is still my little boy. He didn't grow up enjoying adolescent life as he should have but instead under the watchful eye of the criminal JUST-US system. Everyone, including him, continuously tells me he is not a "child" anymore but a grown man and I agree...to an EXTENT! Can you really say someone is "grown" as a result of their age? Wouldn't it be correct to say 'he is of an adult age' instead? He could not possibly be grown because the process we go through to reach said "grown" level was stripped away from him, by his own doings. When he is released in 2014, he will have spent 8 years (between the 2 sentences and other run ins) in jail/prison, 8 years away from family, from his daughters. This self inflicted subjectivity to the inability of free living and experiences that define what truly being an adult or "grown" has passed him by. He must begin again upon his release.

Yes I can agree being away from home, regardless of the environment, will cause you to grow up but what I won't agree to is prison life falling under that umbrella. That environment does not teach self sufficiency and when he gets out he will be subjected to even more scrutiny as he attempts to become a productive member of society. Time served is never truly time served...inmates will live with this forever, even those who have been fortunate enough to turn their lives around. If I were to leave Florida right now my son would have NO WHERE to call home when he is released. Is that my problem? A lot of people will say no but I beg to differ. What parent in their right mind would leave their child, a convicted felon, to fend for himself knowing full well the odds are totally stacked against him? *sigh*

On top of all the things in his letter, he mentioned he recently received a DR (disciplinary report) for an act he says he didn't do. (of course you didn't son! .\_/.) DR's effect his ability to accrue gain time like he should and set him back a bit but I guess this is the life of a prisoner, you either follow their rules or you suffer the consequences. It is hard for me to understand why anyone wouldn't act right under those conditions but then again this is coming from the mind of someone who has never served time and can't fathom the thought of spending any time behind bars.

As I read this letter, crying I can't help but wonder at what point does his negative attitude towards all things not effect me? At what point do I read his letters and tell myself he choose this life and then keep it moving? There has to come a point when the things our children do and say be left to them for accountability and as much as it may hurt we have to step aside. THAT seems to be my problem...stepping aside. Don't get me wrong, sometimes he has the BEST letters in the world and I am left in awe after reading them because I don't know if I could be that up beat or optimistic under those conditions but I know how and why...GOD!! My Father is with him, watching over him and keeping him as sane as possible under the circumstances. I know this is just a temporary "fall" but its SO hard to remove myself from the pain he is feeling thus causing the tears I cry...

As I encourage myself in the Lord, I also encourage you son! GOD loves you and so do I Dante' M. Vann and HE wants NOTHING more than for you, for US, to come home!

Mother of an incarcerated son - KEPT AWAY FROM FLESH & BLOOD: PART II

**originally posted Tuesday, November 29, 2011**

 

DNA RESULTS COME BACK...she is OURS!!

Yes, this beautiful little princess belongs to the VANN CLAN!! With looks like that I should have known, no matter how much I prayed against it, she truly exhibited the genes only COOPER blood could make mixed with a little bit of Vann. Why did I pray against it you ask? (if you read PART I you already know) I already knew what I was up against considering our past situation and the fact that we (her mother and I) have NO type of relationship whatsoever and probably never will which means I'd probably never have the relationship with this grand-daughter that I have with Daysha. Drama'd out situations usually don't get better when the lifestyles of those involved don't mesh. The thought of that saddened me (still does to this day) but yet I prayed. I knew if ANYONE could change that my FATHER could!!

**REWIND** She would cry the entire time when she would come to visit. I didn't allow her to be dropped off initially because this was new to all of us, including the baby who was just a little older than 6 months old when she was actually said to be ours and now older than 1 at confirmation point. I don't believe in traumatizing children like that. Yes, she had to learn us, true enough, but leaving her with what she saw as "strangers" was not the answer in my eyes.

**FAST FORWARD** When ever Daysha was over I'd ask for her to come so that the sisters could get to know one another. It was difficult with everyone being car-less, both mothers of my grand-daughters and myself but one thing I will say is if Daysha's mom needed me or I wanted Daysha WE made way for it to happen. I can't say that much for the other mother. There was ALWAYS some type of excuse when it was time for her to come visit but had no problems making a way to go out or anywhere else they wanted to go...most times leaving my grand-daughter with others. It was amazing to me how I was the "bad person" in this situation because I spent more time with Daysha but that wasn't my fault.

We, Daysha's mother, other nana and I, formed a family unit. They understood my son would not be here to help with my grand-daughter for the next 5 years so a bond was formed to assure that Daysha knew her fathers family. Our bond is so strong that I can stay the night as often as I please provided the spare room is available. Holidays when I can't go home to VA and be with my family...they take me in. That is the type of relationship any nana wishes for especially since your son and grand-daughter's mothers aren't together.

Goodness my son makes some beautiful children. So many resemblances down to the facial expressions!*laughs* These are nana's babies! They are indeed my GOD SENDS! I asked for them and here they are...that was my thought process in all of this.

It took a little time before I felt she was ready to stay over and when she did she was fine! It wasn't until after she began visiting with her father, my son, that things seems to get "funny". If I wanted her for a weekend, on a good day, I'd get her provided her mother didn't change plans on me last minute or just neglect to call and say she's not coming. I'd call and text with NO kind of response and when I finally DID speak to her it was "Oh Miss Chanel I am sorry, my family had plans" or "Oh Miss Chanel, my lil cousin was having a birthday party", etc. etc. Ok, did you not know these things were going on BEFORE you agreed to let me keep her? My daughter and I would change plans and make arrangements to have her but people aren't as considerate to our efforts is how I felt. This is the type of stuff I had to deal with ALL the time yet I could see you posting status about "working" in Tampa or Miami or wherever else you wanted to go WITHOUT my grand-baby sooooooooo where was she??? Who was keeping her? Why did you never call me or my daughter to watch her while you went away? Was getting to know the other side of her family REALLY important to you OR did you just want to show folk who your "baby daddy" was with a few prison pictures?

*FAST FORWARD* I can't do this anymore, raising a baby...not by myself. My extended hand in help went ignored! PART III


***NANA LOVES YOU MI'JAEL C VANN***