Dante' just called ...

As I go through these labor pains (13 hours in now) slaving to get that bedroom and bathroom cleaned as well as put the t.v. stand together my phone rings. The voice on the other end brought tears to my eyes and so much joy to my heart. In his sweet, quick talking voice he says  "hey mama, everything good for tomorrow? " The convo was brief but long enough for me to get in my mama feelings all over again.

I told him he had a surprise coming with us in the morning but did not say who or what it was. His brother Charles is coming and that's going to make him happy.

We ended the conversation with the usual I love you's and in a flash he was gone ... until tomorrow.  Tomorrow is going to be great.

Hour 10.5 of labor ...

This labor began at 6:00 a.m. this morning and I have 16 hours more before this is over and my 1st born emerges once again. My head is throbbing, my back is killing me, my eyes won't stop leaking, I've REFUSED pain medication AND I CAN'T STOP, WON'T STOP PRAYING!

I didn't think it would be this tough ... my GOD. I am emotionally EVERY WHERE and mentally drained! I thought his incarceration was the worse thing ever but here I am in a pool of emotions about his home coming.

My apologies y'all, you won't have to endure this too much longer. Thanks for hanging in there with me. BIRTH IS IMMINENT AND AWAITS AT 8 A.M.

#1dayandawakeup #incarceratedpregnancy #laboranddelivery #ComeonHomeSon 

I finally cried ...

Breakfast and conversation with a very close friend has brought on the tears and they have yet to stop. I had not cried at all so they were much needed. I could not pin point exactly why I was feeling so anxious and overwhelmed here lately. I mean, after all, my son is coming home (as if that wasn't a big enough of a deal)!

What he reiterated to me, which I had already said to myself, that there is no 'JUST' or 'Now all he has to do is ...' in this situation because there is no such thing. Right here, right NOW is where the real work begins and it's going to be MUCH greater than the JUST and ALL HE HAS TO DO NOW IS.

What if Dante can't handle the stress of being a newly released felon and reverts as a result? What if someone from his days of old tries to hurt him? What if ... what if ... what if ... I could go on but all it'll do is drive me insane.

These questions and many others have been running through my mind the past few weeks. They are what I need to pray over, without ceasing, because they are totally out of my control although I so want to and feel the need to have some kind if not ALL control.

It's almost over yet its really just beginning. This storm ends but Dante and I will shop for hurricane supplies tomorrow, the real STORM now approaches.

I can't believe I'm just finally crying.

Mother of an Incarcerated Son - THE TEARS I CRY

I received a letter from my son (11/30/2011) and as I read this letter repeatedly attempting to wrap my mind around all the things he has said my thoughts constantly wonder. I have to say it was not the best of letters. I closed my eyes and drifted back, thinking of that little boy I held in my arms so many years ago. The mother in me wants to run to MAYO, break in and bust him out! **DON'T JUDGE ME** I think a lot of it is the fact that he began his run with the law at an early age so in my mind, he is still my little boy. He didn't grow up enjoying adolescent life as he should have but instead under the watchful eye of the criminal JUST-US system. Everyone, including him, continuously tells me he is not a "child" anymore but a grown man and I agree...to an EXTENT! Can you really say someone is "grown" as a result of their age? Wouldn't it be correct to say 'he is of an adult age' instead? He could not possibly be grown because the process we go through to reach said "grown" level was stripped away from him, by his own doings. When he is released in 2014, he will have spent 8 years (between the 2 sentences and other run ins) in jail/prison, 8 years away from family, from his daughters. This self inflicted subjectivity to the inability of free living and experiences that define what truly being an adult or "grown" has passed him by. He must begin again upon his release.

Yes I can agree being away from home, regardless of the environment, will cause you to grow up but what I won't agree to is prison life falling under that umbrella. That environment does not teach self sufficiency and when he gets out he will be subjected to even more scrutiny as he attempts to become a productive member of society. Time served is never truly time served...inmates will live with this forever, even those who have been fortunate enough to turn their lives around. If I were to leave Florida right now my son would have NO WHERE to call home when he is released. Is that my problem? A lot of people will say no but I beg to differ. What parent in their right mind would leave their child, a convicted felon, to fend for himself knowing full well the odds are totally stacked against him? *sigh*

On top of all the things in his letter, he mentioned he recently received a DR (disciplinary report) for an act he says he didn't do. (of course you didn't son! .\_/.) DR's effect his ability to accrue gain time like he should and set him back a bit but I guess this is the life of a prisoner, you either follow their rules or you suffer the consequences. It is hard for me to understand why anyone wouldn't act right under those conditions but then again this is coming from the mind of someone who has never served time and can't fathom the thought of spending any time behind bars.

As I read this letter, crying I can't help but wonder at what point does his negative attitude towards all things not effect me? At what point do I read his letters and tell myself he choose this life and then keep it moving? There has to come a point when the things our children do and say be left to them for accountability and as much as it may hurt we have to step aside. THAT seems to be my problem...stepping aside. Don't get me wrong, sometimes he has the BEST letters in the world and I am left in awe after reading them because I don't know if I could be that up beat or optimistic under those conditions but I know how and why...GOD!! My Father is with him, watching over him and keeping him as sane as possible under the circumstances. I know this is just a temporary "fall" but its SO hard to remove myself from the pain he is feeling thus causing the tears I cry...

As I encourage myself in the Lord, I also encourage you son! GOD loves you and so do I Dante' M. Vann and HE wants NOTHING more than for you, for US, to come home!

Mother of an incarcerated son - KEPT AWAY FROM FLESH & BLOOD: PART II

**originally posted Tuesday, November 29, 2011**

 

DNA RESULTS COME BACK...she is OURS!!

Yes, this beautiful little princess belongs to the VANN CLAN!! With looks like that I should have known, no matter how much I prayed against it, she truly exhibited the genes only COOPER blood could make mixed with a little bit of Vann. Why did I pray against it you ask? (if you read PART I you already know) I already knew what I was up against considering our past situation and the fact that we (her mother and I) have NO type of relationship whatsoever and probably never will which means I'd probably never have the relationship with this grand-daughter that I have with Daysha. Drama'd out situations usually don't get better when the lifestyles of those involved don't mesh. The thought of that saddened me (still does to this day) but yet I prayed. I knew if ANYONE could change that my FATHER could!!

**REWIND** She would cry the entire time when she would come to visit. I didn't allow her to be dropped off initially because this was new to all of us, including the baby who was just a little older than 6 months old when she was actually said to be ours and now older than 1 at confirmation point. I don't believe in traumatizing children like that. Yes, she had to learn us, true enough, but leaving her with what she saw as "strangers" was not the answer in my eyes.

**FAST FORWARD** When ever Daysha was over I'd ask for her to come so that the sisters could get to know one another. It was difficult with everyone being car-less, both mothers of my grand-daughters and myself but one thing I will say is if Daysha's mom needed me or I wanted Daysha WE made way for it to happen. I can't say that much for the other mother. There was ALWAYS some type of excuse when it was time for her to come visit but had no problems making a way to go out or anywhere else they wanted to go...most times leaving my grand-daughter with others. It was amazing to me how I was the "bad person" in this situation because I spent more time with Daysha but that wasn't my fault.

We, Daysha's mother, other nana and I, formed a family unit. They understood my son would not be here to help with my grand-daughter for the next 5 years so a bond was formed to assure that Daysha knew her fathers family. Our bond is so strong that I can stay the night as often as I please provided the spare room is available. Holidays when I can't go home to VA and be with my family...they take me in. That is the type of relationship any nana wishes for especially since your son and grand-daughter's mothers aren't together.

Goodness my son makes some beautiful children. So many resemblances down to the facial expressions!*laughs* These are nana's babies! They are indeed my GOD SENDS! I asked for them and here they are...that was my thought process in all of this.

It took a little time before I felt she was ready to stay over and when she did she was fine! It wasn't until after she began visiting with her father, my son, that things seems to get "funny". If I wanted her for a weekend, on a good day, I'd get her provided her mother didn't change plans on me last minute or just neglect to call and say she's not coming. I'd call and text with NO kind of response and when I finally DID speak to her it was "Oh Miss Chanel I am sorry, my family had plans" or "Oh Miss Chanel, my lil cousin was having a birthday party", etc. etc. Ok, did you not know these things were going on BEFORE you agreed to let me keep her? My daughter and I would change plans and make arrangements to have her but people aren't as considerate to our efforts is how I felt. This is the type of stuff I had to deal with ALL the time yet I could see you posting status about "working" in Tampa or Miami or wherever else you wanted to go WITHOUT my grand-baby sooooooooo where was she??? Who was keeping her? Why did you never call me or my daughter to watch her while you went away? Was getting to know the other side of her family REALLY important to you OR did you just want to show folk who your "baby daddy" was with a few prison pictures?

*FAST FORWARD* I can't do this anymore, raising a baby...not by myself. My extended hand in help went ignored! PART III


***NANA LOVES YOU MI'JAEL C VANN***

Mother of an incarcerated son - THANKSGIVING (through the eyes of my son)

I received a letter from my son today. It was in response to my Happy Thanksgiving letter/card:

"Queen,

I don't celebrate Thanksgiving or believe in but I hope you enjoy (enjoyed) yours! On this day a cracker named Christopher Columbus came to America, after dropping slaves on the islands, with a boat full of slaves and a disease called Herpes and took over the Indians land. Therefore putting slavery into effect on the "land of the FREE"! I have a distaste for everything now pretty much and my favorite quote comes from Elijah Muhammad! He said 'This is the hate that hate created'! No, I am not a Muslim but I am aware of the European American (white man) traditions and customs we accepted thru religion, which has been carried and passed down thru generations."

It's amazing what being made to sit down will do to you. Don't judge him by his terminology used or his thoughts, only GOD can do that. I am glad to see him opening his mind and broadening his knowledge on history or whatever else he deems necessary. Continue reading son!

Love Mom

**just wanted to share some thoughts from my son**

Mother of an incarcerated son - HOLIDAYS 2011

Holidays are looked at as a joyous time of the year for most, right? On 1 hand, some people hate the hustle and hassle of cooking, shopping and the thought of all the money they will spend. On the other hand, some folk love the thought of family time, receiving gifts, gift giving and simply love what the holidays represent. I, on the other OTHER hand, am NUMB! This time of the year has not been the best for me, at least for the past 3-4 years. This year is going to be extremely different as its my first year with a completely empty nest. It would be different if I had the type of job that had weekends off or didn't require so much of me at the holiday so I could go home but I don't so here I will sit. *sigh*

Yes I can go visit my son and I can't wait to see him, its been since September, but that atmosphere takes a LOT out of you. The thought of having to see him there gets easier as his time goes by but it gets no easier on my heart knowing that it will only be for a few hours and then away we go for another month or so. I can't visit my daughter though as my schedule does not provide any real "get away" time to get to my family in VA. It's been over 5 years since I've spent any holidays at home with my family and this empty nest is making the thought of that even worse.

This is the 2nd holiday of this kind for me, with both children far away, and it doesn't get easier or feel any better. I tell you its crazy to think back to how we get excited about the time when our children will be out of the house but when the time comes you wish it could all come back, just for a little while anyway. I know a lot of it is my son's circumstances, his life choices that has me down but I can't change that. I just pray my FATHER is in his future life choices.

Oh well, that's all that was on my mind as I sit here on my day off wondering what I will do for the holidays. This is truly the time when being single isn't easy but it is DEFINITELY not a reason to go out and get involved just to have someone at the holiday!